---
title: "If I Could Only"

meaning: "Little Hug self-improvement loop: if I could only be better, fruit-fly patience, can't get up: army ads, self-help grift, alone untethered; reworked on Big Hug."

year: 2021
release: "Little Hug"
releaseType: "EP"

artist: "Scoobert Doobert"
artistId: "#scoobert"

credits: "Written, performed, and mixed by Luke Francis Walton. Mastered by Riley Knapp."

spotify: "https://open.spotify.com/album/08qm91rIDQEj86DoQWiNyB"
youtube: "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnped91O4xE"
officialVideo: "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnped91O4xE"
apple: "https://music.apple.com/us/album/if-i-could-only/1558296985?i=1558296988"
bandcamp: "https://scoobertdoobert.bandcamp.com/album/little-hug"

themes: ["self-improvement", "Big Hug", "depression", "Little Hug", "post-pandemic", "ads"]

isrc: QZMER2037893
isrcSource: soundexchange
lyrics: |
  If I could only be a little better
  Though I never come across the time
  I don't wanna wake alone untethered
  Make another vow and change my mind
  If I could only be a little better
  If I could only

  Somebody could chip away at it
  But I'm an alien that
  Got the patience of a fruit fly

  Get up
  Can't get up

  If I could only be a little better
  Though I never come across the time
  I don't wanna wake alone untethered
  Make another vow and change my mind
  If I could only be a little better
  If I could only

  Maybe I'll join the army
  And get it hammered into me
  Like a maggot in a kitchen

  I always close the tab
  And redirect my madness
  But the cookies keep following me
  Serving ads of martial glory
  Yeah they're making fun of
  My fading self-awareness

  Self help take all my money
  Please smile and ignore me

  Got me learning that
  Someone could chip away at it
  But I'm an alien
  That can't get up

  If I could only be a little better
  Though I never come across the time
  I don't wanna wake alone untethered
  Make another vow and change my mind
  If I could only be a little better
  If I could only

draft: false

---

Track two on [*Little Hug*](/albums/little-hug/) (**April 2021**), after the instrumental *Walking Balboa*. It returns as track nine on [*Big Hug*](/albums/big-hug/) ([Apple LP cut](https://music.apple.com/us/album/if-i-could-only/1585121212?i=1585121221)), reworked with the same lyrics alongside [*Can't Imagine Feeling Better*](/songs/cant-imagine-feeling-better/) and [*Debby*](/songs/debby/) (Extended). Luke solo. The problem is plainer than the satire of [*Don't Worry*](/songs/dont-worry/) or [*I Love Money*](/songs/i-love-money/): how to become a person when improvement keeps not sticking.

The hook is a loop that never resolves. Vows made and abandoned, loneliness underneath (*I don't wanna wake alone untethered*), and the honest reason it never lands: *I'm an alien that got the patience of a fruit fly*. The two-line scene says the rest: *get up / can't get up*. Same bed as [*I'm an Idiot*](/songs/im-an-idiot/), heavier.

The second verse is where it gets funny and bleak at once. The narrator considers joining the army to *get it hammered into me*, then can't escape the search that thought it up: *I always close the tab and redirect my madness / but the cookies keep following me / serving ads of martial glory*. The algorithm reads the spiral better than he can. Recruitment and self-help retargeting close the loop, the wellness industry recast as polite extraction (*self help take all my money / please smile and ignore me*).

On *Big Hug* it leads into [*Scared to Reunite*](/songs/scared-to-reunite/) and the title track, part of the LP's scared-to-be-a-person arc ([*Big Hug* essay](/albums/big-hug/)).

---